Come to Uni with me - 5 Myths About Attachment Style
Surprise - Shes a Psychologist in the making.
FUN FACT: I am on my way to being a qualified psychologist.
Rightfully, it’s a long process — I mean, it’s people’s mental health we are talking about here. We can’t just read one book on attachment styles and think we understand the intimate nuances of the human psyche.
But, we can write an epic essay and get 97% on it which makes us a brand new expert on the topic — just like I did.
***For those who are new around here, that was sarcasm.
I am recovering from the bite-size information I received through social media or in workshops where — to be completely honest — people had no business simplifying this complex conversation down to a pinhead of information.
The way I was first introduced to attachment styles, had me feeling like changing these traits and reactions was going to be the hardest journey of my life.
It had me feeling like it was more of a personality trait than a learned habit, and that the only way I could improve my experience of attachment was by working on myself. As I was the sole person responsible for my attachment EXCEPT for my parents…Yeah, they’re absolutely to blame for the whole thing… RIGHT?!
I don’t think John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth (the OG attachment-style adventurers) could have ever predicted our current relationship to self-help and social media, or how their literal decades of research would be cut, pasted and distorted in order to populate pages for influencers and coaches.
So, let’s do them proud and myth-bust some of this nonsense, starting with the biggest question on everyone’s lips:
MYTH 1: ATTACHMENT STYLE IS LIFELONG
To the relief of everyone who is reading this — NO. A lot of early research was conducted with the assumption that attachment style was a personality trait, but this was quickly debunked when better questions were asked. The research moved from “How is attachment formed?” to “What causes it to change?” and we started gathering a bunch of really cool answers.
This means you can stop telling people “I’m just avoidant” or “I’m just anxiously attached” as an excuse for shitty behaviour across the board because it is deeply intricate, nuanced and ever-evolving.
But Erica, there are a lot of papers that say it was “relatively stable”, how can you say it isn’t forever?
Because while there is a level of stability and predictability when all other life factors and partner variables are controlled attachment is still more fluid than stable.
This means, that “secure attachment” isn’t an end goal you are chasing and if you experience any other type of attachment all your hard work is undone — MYTH BUSTED. The attachment style is more like spaghetti when it’s wet -FLUID AF.
MYTH 2: ATTACHMENT STYLE IS NOT AFFECTED BY ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR PARTNER RELATIONSHIP
Short answer: WRONG.
So many of us hyper focus on the relationship dynamic and assume that it is the sole influence for attachment but the great news is: its not.
We found out that well-being and attachment are deeply linked. Which feels so obvious when you think about it but let me really spell it out: If you are experiencing a time in your life where you haven’t been able to look after yourself, where you feel down or depressed, where your home circumstances have changed, where your financial circumstances have changed: its likely that your attachment expression will shift as well.
The PERK of this is: looking after our well-being can help stabelising our attachment.
Another study found that as the subject got older they displayed more secure attachment styles — they essentially said that you give less fucks as you age.
ADDITIONALLY, they found that your attachment style can effect your body in more ways than one — like how much pain medication you need and how you heal from an injury. I loved how these studies show that it functions as more than a highway of unfullfilment and more of a ecosystem of cause and effect.
MYTH 3: ATTACHMENT STYLE IS CONSISTENT ACROSS ALL RELATIONSHIPS
Not only did they find that the type of relationship (familial, romantic, friendship or otherwise) can effect your style of attachment (as in it can be different with your parents to your partner) but the PERSON you are with has a huge effect. We often see posts about how a “anxious” person and an “avoidant” person attract each other like magnets but its more nuanced than that. Your attachment style is more like an ecosystem that includes your whole experience of life, well-being, age, stress levels and choice of partner.
MYTH 4: ATTACHMENT STYLE IS UNIVERSALLY APPLICABLE / SHOWS YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT RELATING.
One of attachment styles biggest critiques in modern psychology comes from its universal acceptance in common society. It seems like a hyper focus for most people in their relationships (myself included), and is often treated as a “one size fits all” solution once you have your dynamic figured out. But, one of the many critiques of attachment theory in recent psychology is that its based on a predominantly white, western lense and isn’t actually a universal “truth”.
MYTH 5: THE ROAD TO BECOMING SECURELY ATTACHED IS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE.
I’ve saved the best for last: The road to becoming securely attached might even just be a pipe dream. A lot of the time we are trying to become perfect, un fazed, un-shakeable and un-bothered, when really we just have to have the capacity to calm ourselves down, the control to not lash out when we are feeling upset and a technique of communicating that keeps us connected. Securely attached isn’t an end result or a fixed diagnosis that you can achieve.
FURTHERMORE: the “treatment” for people with anxious attachment is different to people with avoidant tendancies and the skills that each attachment style needs to learn & feel safe are different. It feels really obvious that each attachment style would need a differing road map, and you can see how prescribing everyone “self love” through harder boundaries, more autonomy, and “putting yourself first” might work for an active anxious style, but is not the permission slip that people experiencing avoidance need to lean in and experience compassion, community and connection.
In conclusion:
Stop blaming your parents: your attachment style is heavily influenced by your adult experiences, exposure to trauma, culture and other peer relationships in your youth.
Millenial Parents: stop trying to be perfect, it wont happen and its not the end of the world it feels like it is if your child displays signs of insecurity. I promise you’re doing amazing and everything is malleable, keep loving them the best you can.
You are not a fixed attachment style, you are a complex, deeply feeling human being with needs, desires and things that give you the “ick”. There are a multitude of things that can be influencing your experience in relating that aren’t attachment. Learn the skills to relate healthily, learn how to look after yourself, and cut yourself some slack when you feel “insecure” because no study shows that beating yourself up is the way to love yourself more.
xoxo EP
This was great and WOOHOO EP is gonna be a psychologist 😍 as a long time psych goer we need more multidisciplinary psychologists who have done stuff other than just CBT hehe
And I always love to see people debunking social media “stuff”. Dad is just finishing up his placement hours for his masters in psychology and over the last few years we’ve have some great discussions about things I’ve seen on Instagram and advice coming from online coaches.
Psychologists need a degree for a reason! And the work they are doing is powerful and needed.
You’ll do great 😁
I LOVE THIS!!!! I get soooo irritated by how oversimplified concepts can get in regular conversation, and this is such a great example! You do a fantastic job breaking down a ton of complex research in a way that is really accessible, useful, and funny. 💖
I also really needed to hear everything in this article, like how my style isn't fixed and to stop trying to control my child's future attachment style through my perfectionistic parenting. 😂