I don’t believe in toxic masculinity... Not in the way its been marketed to us, anyway.
By now, you’ve probably picked up that I’m not a “spot treat the symptoms” and hope for the best kinda gal. Treating toxic masculinity ignores the festering growth and underlying truth of whats really going on. But before we get there, lets talk about what we have here.
Toxic Masculinity was a term COINED BY MEN, in the late 1980s at mens wellness retreats. The movement focused on men’s healing through male only workshops, wilderness retreats and rites of passage (sound super familiar, right?) to recover and revive what it saw as essential masculine qualities and archetypes: the king, the warrior, the wildman etc. During these workshops, they tried to separate these particular archetypes from what it called “toxic” masculinity.
The parts of “toxic” masculinity are essentially these archetypes gone wrong. When those archetypes feed on power and privilege and think its their essence to be dominating, demanding and entitled to peoples bodies, services and respect.
You might see that and start to scratch your head and say:
“But EP… That does happen. And in fact the whole world is set up to reinforce that privilege and entitlement so shouldn’t we have a way to talk about that? How could you say you don’t believe in it?”
Great question, its because I want to go one further. Toxic masculinity is the name given to masculinity gone wrong, its the attitude and the play of this power and privilege but its not the driving force.
The driving force, is that masculinity as a construct is inherently fragile. And its this fragility that has men acting very, very, silly.
“Gender is so pervasive that in our society we assume it is bred into our genes. Most people find it hard to believe that gender is constantly created and re-created out of human interaction, out of social life, and is the texture and order of that social life. Yet gender, like culture, is a human production that depends on everyone constantly "doing gender"…
As a social institution, gender is one of the major ways that human beings organize their lives. Human society depends on a predictable division of labor, a designated allocation of SCarce goods, assigned responsibility for children and others who cannot care for themselves, common values and their systematic transmission to new members, legitimate leadership, music, art, stories, games, and other symbolic productions
— Judith Lorber, 1994
Gender as a social construct is a conversation that really tickles me, I love taking something that people believe must be embedded in our genes and expelled in our hormones and getting to say “oh no no no, theres actually nothing that backs that up”. It brings me joy to myth bust gender and its constructs with the intention of guiding you back to your heart and your truth and YOU.
Unfortunately, gender is a sticky web that touches every aspect of societal structure and life.
So, why do I think masculinity is so specifically fragile and how does that link to “toxic” masculinity. Well, because I’ve seen it, and because I’ve read what other people who have seen it (then researched it) have to say.
Toxic masculinity is the reaction to a perceived threat on someones masculinity.
You might be thinking “but EP why don’t people get upset when there is a threat on femininity” to which I say
GREAT question (we are getting there).
Its all in how genders are structured and reinforced.
“It has been shown that masculinity is among the most fragile of identities, so precarious that even seemingly minor threats can push otherwise-ethical men to lie, cheat, harass, and even commit assault, all in an attempt to prove that they’re “real men.”
— Harvard Business Review
There are many studies around that take a magnifying glass to the reaction of men when they feel their masculinity is threatened, for example something as simple as having a female bodied supervisor in the workplace can lead to variety of behaviours like withholding help, mistreating coworkers, stealing company property, and lying for personal gain.
SUPER INTERESTINGLY — women who experienced similar threats to their femininity may have been unhappy about it but it doesn’t make them more liekly to engaged in harmful behaviour.
THIS IS BECAUSE: masculinity as a construct is embedded in agency (the feeling of control over actions and their consequences). It is the “dominant” role. So, when men feel a lack of autonomy for whatever reason (in some research even just remembering a time it happened) they experience a threat to their masculinity. Whereas its been shown that this doesn’t happen to a woman’s femininity. Its been concluded that this happens because masculinity is associated with independence and autonomous action, where as womanhood tends to be associated with communal action and dependency.
Masculinity is anchored in how autonomous you are, femininity is anchored in how dependent you are and who is dependent on you.
Aggression and action are pillars of masculinity (embedded behind “protector” and “warrior”), so you can see how it becomes a violent slope when that masculinity is “threatened”. For example: in order to reassert their sense of autonomy, research shows many men engaged in harmful behaviours like lying, cheating, stealing, rule breaking, undermining and withholding.
And for a lot of people this is where they end their search for truth. They see how men feel the need even at just the thought of a threat to reestablish their control and autonomy and think that it is a fundamental principle of being a man.
Because that violence reinforces the stereotypes of “warrior”
Circling back: I don’t believe that masculinity is toxic, but I believe its fragile as all hell. And the fragility of this concept is what puts us all in harms way.
I say its fragile, because it is so easy to challenge, to threaten, and one wrong word or one perceived threat will bring a whole man down.
So how do we come back to ourselves and honour the truth of who we are? Rather than who society tells us to be? Rather than the sterotypes that we try to live up to? Rather than how “manly” or “womanly” we are told to be?
Knowing ourselves first, takes time. Especially because we are social creatures who love to track patterns to create perceived safety (try say that 5 x fast). But we need to start existing outside of these stereotypes and identity constructs.
Heres some questions to ask yourself to start discerning between whats truthfully you, and what is a construct you are using to stay safe and predictable within our society:
constructs have a sense of imposter syndrome and panic around them, a feeling of “never enough”. When you visualise and imagine that aspect of you where does it live? Is it in your center, or is it an unattainable goal you have set for yourself that you are chasing?
When you describe who you are, how you feel, and what people love about you do you tend to pick from a “polarised” list ? Or do you let words flow from your heart?
are your goals fulfilling? Does the journey towards them feel like more of you is coming to the surface? or are you constantly looking to other people to see if you are doing a good enough job?
does your sense of self have a energy of entitlement? As in if you are “this” then you get “that”
I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences of relating to societies expectations on you and who you truly are!
Tell me in the comments!
Brilliant piece Erica! Fragility and the big cover up have a lot to show us. ✨
This was such a good read babe! Thoroughly enjoyed it xx