PICTURE THIS.
Its the month before COVID hits, and like everyone in the world I have no idea whats coming.
I’m a single parent, I’m living with my mum and I’m on the way to an embodiment retreat in Bali. Its the first time I’ve been away from my son, and to be completely honest with you am equally excited for the break and completely heartbroken that I need it.
I haven’t had a second to catch my breath between falling pregnant to a stranger, being pregnant ft. multiple kidney infections and mental breakdowns, a NICU stay, and trying to relate with someone who was still a stranger despite creating life together and now trying to figure out who the heck I am because I am so certain, I’ve been living by someone else’s rules for a long time now.
So, when I rocked up I was not looking to fall in love, but we never are, are we?
It wasn’t love at first sight, no.
It was love-after-I-had-a-sex-dream-about-her-and-couldn’t-remember-how-to-speak-after-that.
It was the third night that she mentioned she had a girlfriend, but they were open. I didn’t think much about that — to be completely honest there was a part of me who thought I’d change that. That the openness was a phase (I could finally relate to all those boys who thought my gayness was a phase).
Over the course of the five days, my heart came alive for her and my body remembered wanting and longing. Light bulbs went off in my head and I openly declared to myself that this would be the last time I came out (I had a habit of treating the closet like Nemo and his anemone).
I decided I needed to experience her, this, whatever it was.
(Its important to note that my bravado was internal only and my external was flabbergasted).
We connected and smooched by the time the retreat was over — and I slipped into the classic “Its EPs way or the highway” and decided we would be together. I wasn’t willing to lose this feeling again; the part of me thats so alive when I’m feeling and falling in love.
Having had my own stories around cheating and betrayal, I thought that polyamory was the way to “prevent” the inevitable by consenting to it (please DO NOT do this lol). So I was more than willing to give it a go.
I learnt about polyamory.
And then COVID hit.
It wasn’t just a fresh new connection, it was long distance across states, single parenting, multiple partners AND the whole world shutting down.
And thats not even the reason it ruined my fucking life.
Polyamory ruined my life because it exposed every. single. one. of. my. fears AND THEN showed me every. single. way. I refuse to accept love and deepen connection.
In short: it held up a mirror I was not expecting to look into, and when I looked, it took me 2 years to understand what I saw.
While this is the technical definition for monogamy…
for me it was more…
Monogamy: being the winner in the battle for love and affection finally chosen to be with someone forever ever ever; cutting away at myself until there was space for another half to complete me; participating in a way of relating where romantic relationships are the most important type of relating and mostly…
The forced priority of ONE romantic relationship above all else.
You know, the type of relating they feed us through Disney movies and cosmo magazines.
I had explored relationship dynamics and attachment styles before but to be completely honest with you: NOTHING really challenged the idea or culture of monogamy, it only told me what my role was (based on gender) within it.
I wont lie to you: it was hard on my nervous system, and there were moments where there were multiple people in the mix for my partner, but they were the only one for me. I often joke that I already had relationships in the mix to tend to: my son and my business. I didn’t have space to give ANOTHER romantic relationship 100% of me.
I couldn’t understand how my partner did it. How they stayed open to the possibility of what relationships would or could be. We had many lengthy conversations about it, but ill never forget when they said:
“I’m curious. What I love about being open is that you can follow the thread of whatever is true and possible for that connection.”
At the time I thought “oh so you can fuck anyone? got it.”
It was a few months later when I noticed my friendships lacked intimacy. That there was a limit to the types of love I was willing to give and receive. I wasn’t being creative at all, in fact I would say my friendships immediately lacked creativity once I was “in love”. If there was any sort of POSSIBILITY for longing for deeper physical connection I would shut that feeling down, and often pull back from that friendship. Instead of finding creative ways for that love to still flow, to still feel close and connected WITHOUT crossing sexual boundaries.
As long as I had a “primary partner” aka a romantic relationship at the top of the triangle, someone to “build life” with, then I put EVERYTHING into that relationship and would leave my friendships behind.
I wouldn’t get my physical needs meet (heads out of the gutter, I mean snuggles and hand holding), I wouldn’t kiss them on the cheek, I wouldn’t share any of my life struggles and hopes, I wouldn’t build or dream with them.
I would only really lean on them for struggles in my intimate relationships, or hardcore work challenges. I wouldn’t seek connection and joy with them to the extent that I would when I was single.
When I reached outside of the relationship for intimacy, support, connection, joy, creation, visioning — it felt like cheating.
Not just in the way we use that word to refer to infidelity: but like I was “not doing it properly” like, I was not following the “rules”. Like I was cheating to “win” life by getting EXTRA love on top of what was supposed to be the most important and fulfilling type.
Polyamory reminded me that love is NOT finite and limited. That intimacy is so incredibly important and it got me OBSESSED with platonic intimacy. And while I am choosing to relate monogamously and I’m “building a life” with one person in terms of life choices, my life is built by connecting with people.
It destroyed my ideas on what relationships should look like. It broke down this idea that you get one person who loves you deeply, who sees you fully, and it gave me permission to be so fully, obsessed and into my friends. I LOVE loving people, so damn much.
I am so grateful that relating in this way showed me that its possible to honour, love and respect your romantic partner AND be fully in love with your friends and community; in a way where you aren’t “saving” yourself for someone else.
And by doing that, it completely wrecked my life as I knew it. It blasted past what I thought was normal and necessary and reminded me how incredibly important it is to have deep, fulfilling relationships everywhere I look.
Substack being one of them.
Tell me something about you, please.
I want to feel connected on here too. I want to be pen pals and sleepover buddies and share our dreams together. I don’t want readers or subscribers I want friends.
Love and remember this process for you. Big and beautiful!
An observation of you.
Polyamory (obviously ^^^^ taught you a lot)
And
When Riley came along and was two feet in with you... I watched it blow your heart wide open, and saw what that level of safety and adoration does.
So beautiful.
I’m going to take up some space here Erica! Thankyouuu for your beautiful work and invitation.
There’s a deep sense of possibility in shared vision with soul friends I really believe that.
Holding vision, sharing space, re building trust. Community, shared celebration.
My dad left when I was four, I have an estranged sister (since I was pregnant with my second) it was very public, in fact it was in every single online portal I had. It was in my business, my husbands, it was in my phone book, my whatsapp group chats.
I couldn’t run from it I had to see it and all her hurt and hatred towards me. It was terrifying. I’m less frightened now. Substack healed me.
It’s sad and more than that it pulled down the belief that wholehearted trust is possible... I haven’t written these things online before BUT I am sharing them with you here so you know I see you and I am willing to step into the light on this stuff.
Substack feels different and if I turned it all off tomorrow I know it has fundamentally changed a belief set in me and I’m so grateful!
It’s a set of stories and a set of things to heal from for sure but it’s also very temporary- it happened but it doesn’t have to be true for me today or in my future work ✨🙏✨
Unless I write a memoir of course 😉
Sending so much love! ✨✨💜✨✨